As you can see, I was in a terrible place. No one should have these concerns with some one they are intimate with, and especially in a long term committed relationship. Maybe a fleeting thought occasionally. But constant worry, to the point where I don't experiment in bed or do much more than missionary? Debilitating. And it was, of course.
Now, pornography is not evil, or even harmful in most cases. Like anything, it can be abused. How it affected me is not the fault of porn itself. But only recently have I realized that I had all these expectations from what I saw in manufactured porn. I thought that I had to have a flat tummy, giant breasts, tight thighs and a round butt, minimal labia, no blemishes or body hair, and always dressed sexy and made up. I have very few of these, actually. So I must be super ugly and unattractive, right? I thought so. I didn't come right out and think thoughts like "If I don't even get into weird sexual positions, he won't see how fat I actually am", but the theme was me avoiding contorting my body much in order to avoid that very thing.
As far as sexual skill, we began dating as virgins. We were both inexperienced, of course, but due to my false expectations from porn and other media I thought that I was supposed to be able to deepthroat his penis until I gag, but still not vomit. I wasn't confident that I wouldn't vomit, so I didn't try this many times. I am supposed to hover inches above his body while gyrating on his cock. I tried a couple times, and squatting for longer than a couple minutes is fucking exhausting if you are not used to it.
Of course, porn is not meant to be realistic. It's like action movies. But I was so far and away what I had seen in crazy iterations that I still felt I was just awful. So I tried to hide it. If I didn't put myself out there, it wouldn't be obvious how terrible I was at sex.
So how to fix insecurity? For a long time I relied upon others to feel good about myself. Working hard on projects, gaining compliments in some form or another, whatever. But it turns out this doesn't work. It might feel good to get a little boost of confidence from recognition, but nothing will make you finally start to love yourself, EXCEPT changing your own thoughts. Not an easy feat, but completely worthwhile. This is an ongoing project for myself, and many others out there. Here are the steps I have been taking, in order to finally appreciate myself. Some of these might seem silly and repetitive, but it will take a LOT of work to undo years of self-defeating thoughts.
I did a bit of research, because it felt like these steps were intended for a younger audience. I'm an adult, dammit! But in reality, everyone reiterates essentially the same things:
1) Positive Self-Talk
2) Don't compare yourself to others
3) Exercise
4) Don't strive for perfection
5) Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake
6) Focus on the things you can change
7) Do things that you enjoy
8) Celebrate the small stuff
9) Be helpful and considerate
10) Surround yourself with supportive people
Positive Self-Talk
The first step is definitely the hardest, to me. It means, inside your head, instead of pointing out flaws, you point out features. Don't focus on your muffin top or new pimple, focus on how awesome your hair looks today or your cute shoes. I find that I have a LOT of instances of negative self-talk internally. When I have a particular thing I am self-conscious about, I type it out in the third person.
"She is worried that her husband finds that woman more attractive than her."
Then I type a reply, as I would if I were consoling a close friend.
"Your husband's attraction to you is not comparable to anyone else. That woman may be beautiful, but you are so much more to your husband. You love him, take care of him, sleep next to him. All of these factor in to his attraction, and no other woman could possibly compare to that. If your husband wasn't sexually attracted to you, he wouldn't have spent 20 minutes going down on you last night."
I try to really dig in deep and get specific. Graphic, if need be.
Don't Compare Yourself to Others
This is another tough one. There are so many people to compare yourself to. Everyone will be better than you at something. Maybe even many things. It doesn't matter. I find myself comparing my performance as a parent, wife, lover, general human being. I have to actively fight these.
Obviously, it is good to improve yourself. You shouldn't settle just because some one else is better at it. But, improve yourself because you deserve to be better. I am not losing weight in order to be fitter than my neighbors, I'm losing weight to be a healthier version of myself. I am not finding more variety in preschool activities to be a better mom than my friend, I am doing it because my child deserves it. The point is, do good things for you and your family; not because some one else is "winning" at it.
Exercise
Exercise is good for you. There's no question about it. Whether you want to build muscle or not, it is good for you to get moving.
Don't Strive for Perfection
This one goes along with #2. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be absolutely perfect, because it's counterproductive. If you set yourself up to fail, then when you inevitably do you will feel worse. If you are trying to improve on something, go through the SMART goal process.
Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-focused, and Time-bound.
This will give you direction, and a reasonable process to achieve you goals. The third part, Achievable, is the focus here. Is it realistic? Only you can know for sure.
Don't Beat Yourself Up When You Make a Mistake
Mistakes happen, they are the best way to learn. When it happens, take a breath, figure out where you went wrong, accept responsibility, and move on.
Focus on the Things You Can Change
Forget about how you will never have a cute little button nose; or giant, natural breasts; or longer legs. You cannot change those things, so relax. You can change how adept you are at programming, how much muscle you build at the gym, and what foods you put into your body. There is no point in dwelling on what you CANNOT change, it's just making you miserable.
Do Things That You Enjoy
I find it tough to think that I deserve time relaxing. If I have free time, I usually fill it with laundry-folding, sweeping, or at least doing research on new activities to get my child to practice writing. As a result, I have been burnt-out numerous times. I deserve to enjoy my time too, not just feel obligated to clean up and make myself useful. Figure out how you like to spend your time, and enjoy it!
Celebrate Small Stuff
Every small victory is still a step in the right direction. I planned the meals for the next week, now we won't waste so much money going out so often! Or, It's sunny outside! Anything. Just point out the good.
Be Helpful and Considerate
When you do things for others, you get a little boost of feel-good hormones. Try it out, and it'll get you going in the right direction. Plus you can feel good because it proves that you are a good person.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People
If you have a bunch of negative people around all the time, you will just practice being negative. The people surrounding you have the biggest affect on you, outside of your own head.
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