One of the most often-touted skills that are necessary in all aspects of life; communication is ever-important in a marriage as well. Specifically, communication in regards to the bedroom. If my partner and I had practiced better communication throughout our relationship, we would not have such a deep hole of pain and hurt to dig ourselves out of now. We both made numerous mistakes in communicating our needs - our true feelings.
This started many years ago, slowly, after I began the birth control pill and we became complacent in the bedroom. We started dating as kids; both were virgins before getting together. As such, it's not altogether unusual that we had childish means of communication and absolutely no idea what we liked/wanted in terms of our sex life. It seemed my boyfriend wanted sex all the time in any way (stereotypical guy at this time) and I was extremely self conscious and lacking in ability.
That part is all on me, of course. No one else can convince me that I'm worth loving; that I am attractive and sexually appealing. I get it. But back in high school I didn't want to be very adventurous in the bedroom. Specifically, I didn't feel attractive or capable, and this led me to try and avoid many sexual positions. Oral sex (also a first for my boyfriend and I together) was never that great for me to receive. I grew up incredibly self conscious about having visible labia. The porn I saw growing up led me to believe I was abnormal, and I researched and planned to save up to get labiaplasty when I was older. Honestly, I am nearing thirty now and only just getting comfortable with my vulva. This embarrassment of my most basic sexual body part carried over through the whole experience.
Yep, due to my self-consciousness, and my partner's and my lack of experience, over the years our sex life essentially was missionary position, basically no foreplay, with the occasional crappy blow job and doggie style thrown in. It's no wonder we were unhappy, really. But we turned a blind eye, because relationships are more than "just sex", right? At this point, my husband and I had been married and gotten pregnant. Nothing like having a child to revamp the sex life! (sarcasm)
I didn't feel pleased with this crappy sex life but I wrongly blamed sex outright. My feelings seemed to be along the lines of "Sex isn't that great anyway, why add to it by working harder and feeling embarrassed in weird positions?". Totally off-base, and I didn't straight up say or think this sentence, but rather that was the overall sentiment.
Somewhere along the line we stopped doing things especially for each other. Little gifts, love notes, dates that involved any preparation to make it actually feel special. There was a growing emotional divide between us. Not to mention that I had to convince him to do housework of any sort. Laundry wouldn't make it into the hamper, but rather 3 feet away on the bathroom floor. That type of stuff is really aggravating - especially when both parties are working full time.
At this point we had our first baby, and I was freaking exhausted. Breastfeeding, having an infant cling to you all day long; those really REALLY can hinder even a very low libido. I had quit my job to raise our son. My entire day was doting on a needy infant, cleaning up the same crap without recognition, and then nothing ever to break up the monotony. Meanwhile, my husband regularly complained about us not having frequent-enough sex (we were down to about 1x per week at best), and us not doing enough things in the bedroom. It was boring, absolutely, and I didn't see the true importance of it at the time. I just thought he wanted to get off. Sex at that point, was nothing more than a means to an orgasm. So what was the big deal? I was raising his child, and trying to keep up the household, and I did not see him pulling his weight. I was touched-out, just wanted some freaking time to be an adult and think about myself for an hour. But he wanted to have sex.
I didn't feel emotionally connected to my husband. He shut down, didn't divulge his work stresses or personal feelings, or much at all to me. I now see that this is because he needs physical affection to be able to feel vulnerable emotionally. My side of the coin is that I need emotional affection and attention in order to feel vulnerable sexually.
Now, the reality about sex in relationships, is that it can bring you together emotionally as well as physically. Regular sex helps you associate those good hormones that show up after orgasms, with the person you are with who helped you get there. Not only that, but it is a way to show affection. Kisses, hugging, holding hands, massage, other things, and sex.
I didn't understand that my husband wanted affection, physical love. I just thought he wanted to get off.
We had this conversation a number of times, actually. He would say the same stuff "More sex, more variety" and I would say "Why is sex all you care about? I'm a person, not a toy." and neither would step up in our areas of weakness for very long. Our harmful cycle continued, until it reached a breaking point: my husband said in no uncertain terms that we would end up divorcing if we continued to have such infrequent and uninteresting sex.
We fought about it. I said my piece about being neglected emotionally, and he countered with his side of being neglected physically. We both thought our unhappiness was more important. In any case, after an incredibly childish fight, we came to an agreement that we were both happy with.
No comments:
Post a Comment