When partners have different desires in frequency for sex, it can cause a lot of strife and discontent. The partner with the higher libido will often come away feeling rejected after being turned down for sex. The partner with the lower libido will often feel pressured to have sex, which can worsen the already-low libido. Nothing sexy about feeling pressured!
As the partner with the previously low libido, I will mostly discuss my own personal experiences.
This being my very first (and only) sexual relationship, my confidence in the bedroom was nonexistent. Couple that with feeling self-conscious about having squishy thighs and a belly, I did not want to be in positions that showed off how un-fit I was. I somehow managed to get this guy, who was physically out of my league, to be my boyfriend. I didn't want him to see how ugly I (thought I) was.
I was especially embarrassed about my vulva. I had grown up looking at a lot of porn, mostly out of curiosity. None of the women in these pictures or videos seemed to have visible labia. I thought I was disfigured and ugly, in one of the most vulnerable areas. On a number of occasions I researched average costs of labiaplasty and made future plans to save up and have it done in future years.
So, lingerie to cover up various areas on my body and lame repetitive positions to avoid being "seen".
On top of these, which were present from the beginning, after we started having sex, (and due mostly to repetition and inexperience), I thought sex was fun, but nothing to write home about. When I climaxed, it was alright, but not earth-shattering. I was bored with our limitations, but thought that I just didn't like sex all that much.
Through the years, other factors came in as well. Birth control was an early factor. Hormonal birth control can really mess with your libido. Getting pregnant, then breastfeeding, and raising very young children did a huge number on my own sexuality. I didn't even masturbate any more. I didn't feel like a sexual being, just a mother and a housekeeper.
Because I didn't want to have sex often, I didn't want to lead my husband on with lots of kissing and flirting. So the more innocuous forms of affection ceased as well. We were becoming roommates who raised children together.
My husband was feeling less attractive, less important, and less connected to me emotionally, and shut that down. He supplemented his libido with porn.
I felt used up and unimportant, like all of my sacrifices for the family were meaningless if I wouldn't put out. I just suffered alone.
Our communication skills were really weak, and we are still working on that. But, instead of expressing our feelings in a meaningful manner, and trying to work together as a team to fix our problems, it became me versus him. I wanted to feel emotionally close to him, and like an equally important member of the parenting team. He wanted to feel physically intimate, and like he was being considered important as well. We were really fighting for the same thing: to connect on a deeper level, and to truly hear and care about each other's problems.
In a partnership, you have to become a team. Any issue that one partner is facing becomes an issue that both partners are taking on together.
If this does not happen, then you get to places of disconnect. "Well HE just wants to have sex". "SHE won't be intimate with me enough!" etc etc. Any issue of a partner's is something to work to fix together. We didn't understand this, and we didn't truly listen to the meaning behind each other's words. We were too hurt and wrapped up in our own feelings.
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