Disclaimer: This stuff worked for me, it may not work for everyone.
Today's tip is for High Libido and Low Libido partners.
One of my personal biggest libido-killers was feeling emotionally disconnected from my husband. Yes, even competing with having birthed 2 babies, many years of birth control pills, and crap sleep; the emotional block REALLY killed my libido.
I felt like I was in an extremely vulnerable position at all times during sex (technically true, I guess), and I just didn't want to open up and be physically vulnerable when my husband had closed off from me emotionally. The frustrating part is at that same time, my husband didn't want to open up to me emotionally because he felt physically distant. A horrible cycle where we were both unsatisfied and withdrew into ourselves to avoid being hurt.
EMOTIONALLY CONNECT
When we scheduled sex nights, we decided that the other nights would be quality time. We would not play on our phones or on the computer. We would sit together and talk, play a board game, maybe watch a show together. This evolved into regular conversations about everything for us. It wasn't all sunshine and daisies, and we ended up uncovering some long-term hurts that had built up resentment over the years. So, in the process of growing closer, we had quite a few arguments. It's been a bumpy road for a while, but it always came back around to us being happy together, and in love.
I look at it now as similar to when you are cleaning out the garage. When you are halfway done it looks worse than when you started! But in the end it is perfect.
For our quality time, we mostly set aside time to just talk about whatever was on our minds. Sometimes we'd look up quizzes for getting to know each other. Many times we've looked up couples counseling tools for building our trust and communication skills. Some of these seemed silly or unnecessary, but in the end even if they were silly, we did them together and had the memories laughing about it.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Vamping Up That Libido: GET IN THE MOOD
Disclaimer: This is the stuff that worked for me, it may not work for everyone.
Today's tip is for the lower libido partner.
After scheduling sex nights, when they arrived I still would not be very turned on. A little bit, I suppose. But I was still slightly indifferent. I knew I had to put in more effort to get out of mommy mode and into a sexy mode of thinking.
I read erotica, viewed some pornography, looked up tips on sexual techniques; anything to get me thinking about sex. I would look at this stuff mainly immediately before sex, just to get into the mood. At first anyway. Over time I cut out porn (not really my thing), but found myself reading more tips and more erotica here and there throughout the day. Even on days that we weren't scheduled to have sex! I became more at ease with the subject, and felt more like a sexual being.
GET IN THE MOOD
Whatever this entails for you. How do you get turned on? Pictures or videos of people having sex? Words describing it? Relaxing in a bathtub and pampering yourself? Whatever it is, do it. Do it a lot!
If possible, involve your higher-libido partner in part of this process. Take extra long with foreplay. Start with massages, making out, over-the-clothes petting, whatever. Often times the HL partner is craving not only sex itself, but physical intimacy as well.
Be open to being turned on even if no sex will be had that evening. And if you do crave sex on a non-scheduled night, your partner will likely be psyched for you to initiate! But if you don't want full-on sex, consider masturbating. The more open you are to having sexual moments, the easier it will be.
Today's tip is for the lower libido partner.
After scheduling sex nights, when they arrived I still would not be very turned on. A little bit, I suppose. But I was still slightly indifferent. I knew I had to put in more effort to get out of mommy mode and into a sexy mode of thinking.
I read erotica, viewed some pornography, looked up tips on sexual techniques; anything to get me thinking about sex. I would look at this stuff mainly immediately before sex, just to get into the mood. At first anyway. Over time I cut out porn (not really my thing), but found myself reading more tips and more erotica here and there throughout the day. Even on days that we weren't scheduled to have sex! I became more at ease with the subject, and felt more like a sexual being.
GET IN THE MOOD
Whatever this entails for you. How do you get turned on? Pictures or videos of people having sex? Words describing it? Relaxing in a bathtub and pampering yourself? Whatever it is, do it. Do it a lot!
If possible, involve your higher-libido partner in part of this process. Take extra long with foreplay. Start with massages, making out, over-the-clothes petting, whatever. Often times the HL partner is craving not only sex itself, but physical intimacy as well.
Be open to being turned on even if no sex will be had that evening. And if you do crave sex on a non-scheduled night, your partner will likely be psyched for you to initiate! But if you don't want full-on sex, consider masturbating. The more open you are to having sexual moments, the easier it will be.
Vamping Up That Libido: SCHEDULE SEX
Disclaimer: This was my experience, it may not work for everyone. Here is how I went from practically no libido (obligatory sex every week on average) to a much higher libido (sex 5ish times a week on average). Step One!
Today's tip is for High Libido and Low Libido partners.
The first thing my husband and I did in order to bridge the gap between our varying libidos was to find a compromise. He wanted sex daily, I wanted sex about once a week. Averaged out to every other day; 3-4 times per week! So, as unsexy as it seems, we scheduled sex nights. Yeah, you lose the spontaneity. But when you have responsive desire ( as opposed to spontaneous desire), mixed with a host of other issues dampening your libido, scheduling sex actually takes a lot of the pressure off. If a person with responsive desire waits until they are randomly turned on, it may never happen! That was the case with me after long term birth control, 2 young children, and terrible sleep for years.
SCHEDULE YOUR SEX NIGHTS
It's really important to find a number that both partners can accept. Set up the ground rules. Obviously, consent is never removed here, but partners should give these nights a really solid attempt at getting physical. Whether that be full-on penetration, oral sex, hand jobs, making out. Whatever you guys decide is necessary for it to "count". If you are in the thick of it, and still just not interested, I would advise you to cool off and try again on the next sex night, lest you may come to see (or continue to see) sex as a chore. That is the OPPOSITE of the goal here.
If you schedule sex, there are a number of benefits:
For the low libido (LL) partner:
You will be able to relax more when you know exactly when sex is "expected"
You will be able to take extra steps to get into the mood fully beforehand, leading to better reception to more sex overall.
For the high libido (HL) partner:
You will not have to initiate and fear rejection.
You will not have to wonder when is the next time you'll have sex.
Today's tip is for High Libido and Low Libido partners.
The first thing my husband and I did in order to bridge the gap between our varying libidos was to find a compromise. He wanted sex daily, I wanted sex about once a week. Averaged out to every other day; 3-4 times per week! So, as unsexy as it seems, we scheduled sex nights. Yeah, you lose the spontaneity. But when you have responsive desire ( as opposed to spontaneous desire), mixed with a host of other issues dampening your libido, scheduling sex actually takes a lot of the pressure off. If a person with responsive desire waits until they are randomly turned on, it may never happen! That was the case with me after long term birth control, 2 young children, and terrible sleep for years.
SCHEDULE YOUR SEX NIGHTS
It's really important to find a number that both partners can accept. Set up the ground rules. Obviously, consent is never removed here, but partners should give these nights a really solid attempt at getting physical. Whether that be full-on penetration, oral sex, hand jobs, making out. Whatever you guys decide is necessary for it to "count". If you are in the thick of it, and still just not interested, I would advise you to cool off and try again on the next sex night, lest you may come to see (or continue to see) sex as a chore. That is the OPPOSITE of the goal here.
If you schedule sex, there are a number of benefits:
For the low libido (LL) partner:
You will be able to relax more when you know exactly when sex is "expected"
You will be able to take extra steps to get into the mood fully beforehand, leading to better reception to more sex overall.
For the high libido (HL) partner:
You will not have to initiate and fear rejection.
You will not have to wonder when is the next time you'll have sex.
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